tridd forums

[tcarlyle]

Forums etiquette:

1. Please stay on topic. Avoid “hijacking” threads started by someone else. There is, of course, a fine line between free discussion (which is encouraged) and hijacking. Hijacking is considered in poor form because it refers to intentionally altering the topic. For example, if someone starts a thread about bunnies, and you’d rather talk about turtles, then you should start your own thread about turtles, rather than hijacking the other thread.

2. Try to keep within the spirit of the forums. Please don’t go into the Activism forums, for example, and preach “inactivism. “ If someone starts a thread announcing a party, it would be in poor form if someone added messages to their thread telling others not to attend.

3. Personal attacks will not be tolerated. We are here to discuss ideas, and that will likely result in disagreements. There is a big difference, however, in saying “I disagree with what you said,” (which is inevitable) and “I don’t like you as a person” (which is unnecessary).

"Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. The third is to be kind."
– Henry James

As you can tell, I’m trying to keep this very simple, but if anyone has any ideas / suggestions, please do let me know. – Troy

[enemysox]

Thank you for bringing this to our attention, Troy. When dealing with sensitive and serious subjects, before I speak, I try to always remember to ask myself these three things: Is what I'm about to say kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?

These three questions have served me well and usually keep me from saying something I'll regret later.

Sometimes, "kind" forces me to rephrase things that naturally come out a little too harsh, especially if I'm still a little upset at the time of the writing or discussion and am feeling more like grand standing than being reasonable. Granted, there are the unfortunate times when we have to be a little colder than we want to others in order to merely get our point across when previous attempts haven't worked. As you point out, though, Troy, this one is the big one. Regardless of anything else, if we attempt to be kind, that in itself goes a long way.

"Truth" is usually pretty obvious, but I've found that if I stick to the facts and don't muddy up my point with needless verbiage or beat around the bush, it is more straight-forward and more easily understood by the other party. However, for someone you suspect may get defensive right off the bat (especially a friend), it may be a good idea to give them two compliments before you confront them, so as to ease them into your point without losing them before you've really even begun. After all, people are more likely to keep listening to you if you start with something they would want to hear. "Truth" may also benefit anyone who has a tendency to embellish beyond the facts, adding false details to make their side look better.

"Necessary" is the one that often tells me more about the situation than I realized beforehand. There have been times when I've gone through the previous two and gotten to "necessary", that I've sat and rethought things for 5-10 minutes, debating with myself as to whether or not it really is necessary to say what I'm about to say. Sometimes, at this point, I say "ah, to hell with it" and try to forget about the whole thing. Other times, I realize just how much the subject has upset me or how justified I am in what I'm doing. For me, that is the defining moment.

As for public forums, "necessary" should also tell us whether it is better to approach the other person privately or publicly.

Afterward, there may be fall out as a result, but at least I know I've put forth the effort to do my best to not intentionally offend the person. Does it work? Not always, but I've learned to communicate better around touchy subjects while using this way of thinking. This method isn't fool proof, but it is darn close.

Again, this pertains to serious or touchy subjects. As you all know, my casual posts are a little more off the cuff!

Ox