tridd forums

As I write this, sitting in the park with my shirt off, it would be a lie for me to say that I'm not
vain. Now that I've returned to the gym to shed some unnecessary pounds, I'm not so self-conscious about
my appearance -- yeah, right. And contrary to the advice of dermatologists, I admit to liking the "healthy
glow" of a tan. But the reasons why I'm concerned about the way I look have changed.

Back in my party days, I wanted the acceptance and attention of the cute guys -- and I wanted to get
laid. The "ideal look" of the pumped party boy was easily achieved through the medically sanctioned
steroid phase of HIV treatment, which I saw giving others an advantage. But I always
felt in competition with everyone -- it was very objectifying: "I want that guy's delts over there, and
I want this one's pecs over here." Unhappy with my bowed legs, really hairy forearms, double crown, and
long torso, it seemed that I wanted everyone else's body parts but my own.

These days there are other reasons to be concerned about the way I look. One is to help alleviate the
physical side effects of the many drugs I take. Although I have few visible signs at this time, I
guess I want to prevent whatever I can.

Because of my HIV+ status, aesthetics basically take a back seat to enormous health
considerations; I literally exercise as if my life depends on it. Also, when I see positive results
from exercise, I'm mentally motivated to maintain a healthy lifestyle.
I repeat: When I see positive results from exercise, I'm mentally motivated to maintain
a healthy lifestyle. It's like Yin and Yang; they both depend on and fuel one another.
That's not to say that I don't slip from time to time, which I do, yet those episodes serve
as a reminder of my real goals. Keeping mentally healthy is also important as I seek more
spiritual connections with others, which has more or less replaced the desire for physical encounters.

For the most part, I've accepted the body I have. My only competition now is with myself.
I own the set of standards I set for myself. I use the media and its images as a point of
reference and resources, rather than a wish list. If I need to change the person I am to be
accepted in our gay culture, it is not worth the price of membership. I personally don't need to be
accepted into a culture that makes someone else feel lousy. HIV is a lot to deal with, and trying to look
pretty for someone else is just another task I choose not to deal with as I mature. Staying fit and trying
to remain as healthy as possible for myself has become a much more worthwhile priority and it pleases the
only person whose perception of me really matters that much... ME.

Yes, there certainly has been a shift in why I continue to lift heavier and heavier dumbbells over
my head, and why I climb endlessly to the stars on machines that take me nowhere. It's for
peace of mind about my health. And it's also for peace of mind when I get home and see how
my butt looks in my jeans. After all, positive or negative, I did say I was vain.

Hey, what a spirited joining & defense of health in the bodies physical & spiritual. If it allows a nice butt in jeans too--go for it.

Thanks for the meditation!

Cheers, love, peace, joy, & slainte (even if party days over).

Tam

First of all, thanks for such an introspective post... you write beautifully, and as hard as it can be to talk about such personal matters, it really helps to be able to see your perspective on working out. It sounds like a no-brainer and makes complete sense.

I was going to add a tongue-in-cheek point about making me feel guilty for not working out... but decided not to...

Thanks for the reflection. (And by the way... whatever you're doing, keep it up -- you looked great on Tuesday!)

Great post and thanks for the inspiration. You have really worked hard to get back in shape and it shows, you look great. I meant to tell you last time I saw you. Your post and seeing your hard work pay off made me get up and get on the treadmill. Although it was a short duration of exercise at least it was a start. Thanks once again!
Bryan

Hi Bryan! It is good to see you here.

Glad to hear you guys found some inspirational motivation in my post. They often borderline being too revealing and possibly a bit irreverent, but the way I see it, I don't have a whole heck of a lot to hide at this point. So, it is nice to see that my posts don't necessarily read like diary entries!

There certainly is no shame in starting slow. I had to take baby steps when I decided that I was in good enough health to attempt getting back in shape. The tough part for me is always putting forth the initial effort, so don't give up! Before you know it, you'll be seeing progress in sweating out toxins and building up strength and endurance -- and what a great feeling that can be! I soon realized that it was easier just to do things as simple as move about during the course of a day and that alone is very encouraging. I've found that short, intense sessions can be just as good as longer, more moderate workouts, at least at first, so if that works for you, use it to your advantage. Just be sure to not do too much cardio if you are fighting wasting as that can be counterproductive!

So, go for it! And keep us updated on your progress! Maybe we can get Troy to come up off that tongue-in-cheek comment he's holding on to.

Matt

........work out...damn, its hard when you feel like crap but you always feel better after...its getting started that is the hardest...but here I go again...up down up down walk walk walk lift lift lift...walk walk walk