tridd forums

Not breaking news, but definitely food for thought!

http://www.aidsmap.com/en/news/C403075F ... EA7A5C.asp

Wow! - That's really interesting. So the study says that people who are open about their HIV status are actually healthier? I wish more people knew about this.

Its not always easy to "come out" about your status. I know a man who is Hispanic and his parents would definitely not accept him at all. So????Damned if you do and damned if you don't...

Steve Cantrell wrote:Its not always easy to "come out" about your status. I know a man who is Hispanic and his parents would definitely not accept him at all. So????Damned if you do and damned if you don't...

Well... not necessarily "dammed if you do." Sometimes people surprise us with their responses. I've heard many stories of families and friends who had always expressed hatred of gays until someone close to them comes out -- after which they miraculously change their minds. After all, our families and friends would rather love us than hate us.

And while it's true there are no guarantees, the only certainty is that we will never be accepted fully until we come out. There's an old saying that the only way we can be assured of failure is to fail to try. Those who come out may only succeed in being accepted for who they are 50% of the time, but those who don't come out are accepted for who they are 0% of the time.

You have to remember theres still a serious stigma attached to HIV. Unfortunately, most are still ignorant as to the facts about how to contract the disease and until they do get educated, coming out isnt a possibility for a lot of us.

texaspaperboy wrote:You have to remember theres still a serious stigma attached to HIV. Unfortunately, most are still ignorant as to the facts about how to contract the disease and until they do get educated, coming out isnt a possibility for a lot of us.

I can understand your point of view, and of course, there's really no debate involved, since coming out is a very personal issue -- and you ultimately have to follow your own heart & do what you feel is best in your situation.

There's also no such thing as "universal advice" for people in coming out, since everyone's situation is different. Nor can I or anyone else make any guarantees about the kind of response you may get, once you do come out.

Ok... those are the disclaimers... and here's the thing: I believe that the presence HIV gives us an even greater reason to come out, because we are in greater need of the exact kind of familial emotional support we cannot get unless we come out. From the parents' standpoint... imagine that your child had a terminal illness, and was too fearful to talk to you about it. Imagine never discovering this fact until after it was too late.... How would you feel? Would you not long for a chance to go back and be able to "be there" for your child?

So I think that, rather than giving us a greater need for secrecy, the presence of HIV gives us greater urgency for disclosure and openness....

If your family needs to be better educated about HIV before you are willing to share your status with them, then perhaps you might help educate them first. In any case, I would urge you to consider an alternative to the "secrets and lies" we must endure when we remain closeted -- since this isn't fair to you, your family, or your community.

If you have HIV/AIDS, and would like help in figuring out ways to educate and come out to your family, please consider one of the SHRET support groups in Tyler or Longview, both of which meet twice monthly. The meetings are very friendly and moderated by a bona fide counselor who is also a wonderful human being and a personal friend of mine. You can get more info in the SHRET forum: http://tridd.freeforums.org/viewforum.php?f=15

Sorry but texaspaperboy is right. Not everyone can come out and tell there family they have HIV/AIDS. You are lucky, Troy...but remember, we don't all have caring parents and some of us are hanging on to our family's by a thread just for being GLBT. Some people are still using there best girl friends as shields so there parents and whomever wont find out they are gay much less pos. I know that you know what I mean...

I hear everyone's view. For some, disclosure works and for some it doesn't or isn't a necessity.

My own reason for disclosing wasn't as much for my family as it was for myself. Was there even a slight possibility they would react negatively? Of course. I knew that it was something I had to do, regardless. My only regret is that I wish I'd done it a little sooner. I continued to wait for this "perfect time" that never came. Once I had my labs in decent ranges and I looked relatively healthy and didn't fear they'd worry just because of my appearance, I knew I needed to get on with it. It wasn't easy, but after it transpired, I realized that I couldn't have written the screenplay any better myself -- it went extremely well.

Just how advanced the illness has become seems to often dictate whether or not it is necessary. Some people are simply comfortable sharing this information and others aren't, for whatever reason. If you have a close family and you're running to the Dr. for labs or other procedures once a week, it gets a little tricky to cover up where you've been or what's going on. Ultimately, it becomes easier for some just to get it all out in the open instead of hiding. When you look and feel fine and HIV doesn't play a huge role in your life, it can be easy to assume that it isn't really anyone else's business. Not all of us were so lucky, right Bro?

Everyone's situation is different, but when it comes to disclosing, please think of yourself first. You have to live with yourself, with or without other people. While I encourage disclosure, I understand that some may not view it as their best option.

Let's keep this thread going.

Ox

Forgive me, "texaspaberboy" if my comments seemed judgmental. I promise they were not intended that way.

I learned fairly recently the value of a timely "coming out," holding throughout my court-martial the lie about my sexuality, and carrying the guilt of that fact ever since.

My own father, I would discover, was deeply hurt by my withholding from him the secret I falsely believed he could never accept or approve.

But I also learned that "late" is never "too late," as I finally found the true meaning of the phrase, "the truth will set you free."

In the end, it seems... it was my fear itself that I was afraid of....

We all must live our own lives, however. My words are meant to encourage and not to judge. They are given in a spirit of love and without any demands or expectations of any kind.

Peace and love, Troy

Well, in the spirit of full disclosure, when I said "us", I was talking about the HIV community in general. Im actually out to my family about my status. Don't know whether that was really a good thing or a bad thing. At least I dont have to lie about any medical issues I may or may not have. It did upset my mother a lot though to hear that her son has a disease such as that. She is old and doesn't understand that a diagnosis isn't nessecarily a death sentence. I'm sure it caused a lot of undue worry since I seem to be pretty healthy.

Its like my doctor told me...if I don't want it to be anyones business then it is no ones business. Each and everyone of us has to make up our own minds about this. As for me, my father knows but not my mother. He is a very understanding person. My mother is an ignorant hill billy who definitely would spread it all over this little town and get us killed. And then would say we deserved it. So don't think because your family is understanding and cool that all of us are as lucky.

Dear Steve, I understand and respect your personal decision, and anyone's personal decision, not to come out. Yet I hope you will forgive me if I continue to preach that we should come out.

When I was on the front page of the Tyler newspaper for last year's World AIDS Day coverage, the reporter commented that she had been wanting to do an AIDS story for years -- in order to increase public awareness and decrease public ignorance and intolerance -- but she had not been able to do it, because no one (not a single person) had been willing to step forward and say, " I have AIDS."

And lest you believe that Tyler is somehow a haven of acceptance, where it is safer to admit to having the disease than elswhere, I would refer you to just about any of my writings, but particularly the recent piece "Raise Your Head" (http://www.tridd.com/index_files/Raise_Your_Head.htm).

No, I cannot guarantee that it will be safe to come out. I can only guarantee that our community will not be safe untill more of us come out.

In a perfect world, where we were already accepted, it would be absurd to think one would walk around with a sign proclaiming his or her sexuality or disease... yet somehow, in our imperfect world, it is a necessary step toward that acceptance -- a cross we must bear so that our children won't have to.

I'm not telling you to "out" yourself -- I'm only saying that, in general, it's the only way we can move forward. If this makes any among us angry, I don't know what else to say, since this one issue, more than anything else, is my reason for existence and the existence of this website. It is the meaning of "Raise Your Head."

And dear Steve, if you think my life has been shielded from attack by an understanding mother, I suggest you read my book.

I have, in fact, found myself singularly un-fortunate in finding myself at the sharp end of the "stick" that includes bigotry and intolerance. My fortune lies rather in our community and in the friendships I've cultivated among people like you.

Much love, peace and understanding, Troy

Troy, I did read your book, and I LOVED it. But Ore City isn't Tyler or Longview. This town has fewer than 1,000 people in it. I am out "gay" but not out "pos". I guarantee you, I would NOT be safe here and neither would my animals or my partner. To say I was pos here would be to ask the KKK to come visit. I think maybe you are well protected and loved and have friends and family to stand by you. Thats not my case. People here don't like the fact that I am gay and wont deal with an out pos person. Mark my words. Last time I was in the Picos Cafe here I heard some black lady refer to it as "Brockback Cafe" because it is owned by a gay man. She said she wouldn't eat there because it was owned by fags..And she wasn't joking or trying to be clever, it was HATE. And this coming from a fat black woman who has no right to judge anyone. I was left speechless which was good for her because if I would have started I would not have been able to stop. So all I am saying is life isn't sunshine and lollipops and the real world isn't as easy as some would like for us to believe. I am sure it is great that you have such a wonderful support system but that isn't the case for all of us. If you don't feel safe coming out pos then by all means don't come out. Thats my opinion. I understand what you are saying but I think we both have valid points of view on this topic. I would not feel safe and I think it should be my personal right to keep my hearth issues to myself.

It is very unfortunate for Steve to have a family that is --father, very absent most of Steve's life--very right Republican with no room to sway. He and Steve did not even communicate at all for years... now that he is getting older he wants a relationship with Steve, i feel alot out of guilt for being so gone all the time when he was growing up. He is not in the best of health either. He knows about Steve's Hiv status and that is about it--they don't speak of it and there is no real support--he just knows. And of course since he knows, Steve's step-mother knows and she disclosed this information to Steve's brother without his knowledge (Steve did not want him to know--at that time anyway). Steve's brother has a gay son -- would not let his son and partner of 5 years share a bedroom while visiting at his home---but let his daughter and her boyfriend share a bedroom when they visited. Steve's brother dabbled with boys when he was younger--i'm sure he'd just deny it today or just say he was "experimenting". But no real support there either. Steve's mother is just unbelievable. If she knew, she would say "That's what he gets he being gay". Melba does not possess any "motherly" like qualities--none. I don't want to trash her but she would not be a support for Steve either. So, you see Steve has disclosed to people who should be near and dear to him--but he gets nothing in the form or support--they just know.
There are many, many factors that go into determining what affects T-cell count--disclosure to a potentially supportive family unit would be great--but non-disclosure to an unsupportive/neutral family would be a wise decision also. With a family like Steve's--it could create more problems and stress for him (as it already has). So I say great and fantastic to those of you who have great and genuinely supportive families and friends. And to those of you who do not--love and prayers--Jeanne

After re reading this study it even says that disclosing your HIV status is a personal and individual decision.